I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
