I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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