I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
