Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
