so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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