someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
