i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
