My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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