please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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