Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
