If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
