had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
