literally had 100 drinks last night.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
