she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
