my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
