Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's shark week go big or go home
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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