I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
