mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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