Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Of course I have a pirate flag
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
