note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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