Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
