Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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