I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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