I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
