So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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