Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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