how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
