Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
