I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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