i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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