the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
