I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
