So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
