I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
