i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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