She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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