I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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