if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
