thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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