I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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