Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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