recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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