I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
