Who did Billy Mays play for?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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