She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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