Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
