It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
