I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
