i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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