why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
