my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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