The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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