In the future we'll all be gay
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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