Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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