God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
